snotty Funny Status Messages

   My wife is mad at me just because I didn't open the car door... I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   When you open your heart to someone, there is blood...... LOTS and LOTS of blood... And then you die. So don't open your heart.

   I thought we were gonna buy Mexico, Then fix it up & flip it... What ever happened with that?

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states,"....The other state is ALWAYS Kentucky..

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

   If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I'm sorry to tell you it's not working

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.

   In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.

   ..Hey,,, Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his neighbor in the woods?

   Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn.

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.

   If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   You can't afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people

   How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It's been an hour,,,,

   WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!.............. "Grandma, that's Niki Minaj."

   Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

   Keep it down kids,,,, Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.