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Dear Syrian President Bashar Assad: if you are going to use human shields to protect yourself from rebel attacks, may I suggest using Snookie, Justin Bieber and Kardashians? 
I've Realized Something Today.. No Matter How Hard You Try To Plan Your Life.. Life Has A Plan For You All On Its Own..
am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call,text,facebook or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you
Good news! Now that Snooki is knocked up, we'll all get to see what a pregnant meatball looks like.
You probably didn't know, but when you wear pajama pants in public WE CAN SEE YOU, IT AIN'T PRETTY!
If you leave your phone unattended around me there is a good chance I will send a text to all of your contacts that says "I have recently turned gay."
The only time a guy cares about a girl's hair is when she's tying it up to give him a blowjob
If you owe me money, until you pay me, don't expect any of our conversations to be pleasant.
Friday the 13th, eh? I bet there's a lot of killer parties going on tonight!
Rhinos are really just old, fat unicorns. Don't argue. you know i'm right.
Found my wife's vibrator the other day. Now I'm not saying it was big but I'm seriously thinking about entering it in Robot Wars.
Here's a bit of advice: advi
The word LISTEN contains the same letters as the word SILENT........
lets flip a coin....heads I get tail and tails I get head!!
Weekends are like rainbows: they look great from a distance but seem to disappear when you get close to them.
Monday Morning just logged me out due to inactivity...
When we get older, what r we gonna tell our grand kids?!... "When I was ur age, I sat on my a$$, all day on facebook!" The future looks bright, doesn't it?
I piss awesomeness. Awesomeness burns, right?
Mom used to let me lick the mixing beaters when she'd bake a cake.....seems like it would have been better bonding between us if she'd shut the mixer off first though....
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it. 