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This weekends forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out 
“... of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone.” Matthew 24:36..If God has not even revealed to his own son the date the world will end, I doubt he has revealed it to Harold Camping.
Terrorists are like salmon, life is good until the seals show up
Just saw a girl in cutoff jean shorts so unbelievable short that you could see private parts sticking out the bottom of mine.
I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years eve party..... when you here an arab counting down from ten your instincs kick in.
Why is it that the very people who are against abortion, pornography, and homosexuality are the very same people you wouldn't want to have sex with in the first place?
My condolences to Snoop and the rest of the Dogg family. RIP Nate Dogg
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea, I'm not black.
I don't understand why people buy Christmas trees just to throw them away a month later. Do they think Christmas trees grow on trees?
If you can afford alcohol and cigarettes then you don't need food-stamps
writes "like this", and not "lyk dis", because she is an adult, and because she is not stupid
Wow!! Tension's in Korea is increasing. Rumor has it that France has already offered to surrender........
Here's a question...Why do girls take pictures together in the bathroom when they go out? I cant recall a single time my buddys and I have posed up for a photo in the john...does it smell like picture time or what??
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I don't have an attitude problem. I have an attitude that you have a problem with. Therefore, I just have an attitude!
When the public restroom is out of paper towels, I slap strangers on the back and tell them "good game" until my hands are dry.
It really sucked having to waddle across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with my pants around my ankles......and I don't think the shoppers at Target were very happy about it either!
My auto-correct has the education of a free year old.
LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a lame reply saying “LOL”.
I opened up Microsoft Word, sneezed all over my keyboard, I accidently made a Honey Boo Boo reality show script. 