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Most signs that say there's 24 hour surveillance just mean the sign is there all day. 
I'vs always wanted to slap someone that was panicking
I don't have a drinking problem. I have a stopping problem.
I want to have 4 children, and name them Eeny, Meeny, Miney, and Mo
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
Looks like Comey will now be able to wake up every morning and watch The View.
It's so cold, I actually saw a gangsta pull his pants up.
I'm glad you don't know how many times I look at your profile every day.
newest kill off of wildlife to hit the news. 2.5 million eagles fans just dropped outta the playoffs
somedays you're the duck, somedays you're the goose.
My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself. What is yours?
The mullet is a helmet for domestic violence.
myspace, then facebook, then twitter. Next? mylifetotallyexposed . com
Mr. Peanut's last words: Bye, dear. Back in a Jif.
Here's the thing about work: I really don't feel like doing any.
I so wish my smoke alarm had a "STFU, I'm cleaning the oven setting".
Well....thats the last time I mow the lawn naked...
It's so hot outside! I just saw a squirrel fanning his nuts.
sufferring from two different mental disorders: OCD, and extreme laziness. it's an ever-present conflict. The will to maintain order vs the desire to not do a single thing about it.
If at first you don't succeed, wait a third of your life and look him/her up on Facebook. 