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Relationships should be like flying... You should only be allowed one carry-on and all other baggage should be checked at the door... 
I keep trying to find love on all the wrong websites.
When my brother ran away, we moved his stick figure to the other side of the minivan's back window.
So when a woman says "I'm fine" am I supposed to buy flowers, chocolates or both?
Today I am thankful for the 5th dentist who overcame extreme prejudice by defiantly standing against the other 4 dentists and chose NOT to recommend sugarless gum for his patients who chewed gum.
If my dog could talk, I think he'd say, "I don't appreciate it when you tell me that there's a squirrel outside, when there clearly isn't."
Every Taylor Swift song sounds like a long drawn out Facebook status
Excuse me, Santa, but I still haven't received the first "ho" you promised me.
If you're looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I'm right here.
This waking up and doing stuff seems like a thing we have to put up with for quite a while.
The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come into the room.
The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an F ....... FYI,,, crap like THAT,,, is why most aliens fly right past us
I told the NCAA I was a Penn State fan and they "vacated" my last 15 birthdays which restores me to my early 20's...Anyone up for a game of beer pong tonight? ツ
How are there 45 shows about storage units and 23 about pawn shops and not a single show about women doing yoga?
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
Commercials are like the Jehovah's Witnesses of Television.
Sometimes the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.
I am totally convinced that my place of employment is just a fancy name for Purgatory
If you find me sharing your status updates, chances are I'm doing it sprawled out naked on a leopard print rug while listening to The Flame by Cheap Trick.
the Pope just changed his relationship status to It's Complicated... 