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RIP to all the snowmen who died fighting the sun 
#1-900 I used to like to talk to you on late Friday nights when all my friends were out with their girls. Then you went and raise your rates!
why, hello there gin and tonic....enjoy your stay, and as usual...please feel free to as many complementary brain cells you'd like........i believe you and liver have met............
Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Man of the Year. Ironically, Facebook has been named Time Waster of the Year.
I haven't seen Democrats this pissed since they were forced to free their slaves.
Not to be rude but how fast food workers feel that 15 dollars an hour is realistic when they can't even get my 1 dollar cheeseburger correct?!?
Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.
Let me be the first to say, I don't give a fly monkey kcuf the Kardashians are back. . .
Which came first. . . social media or dumb people? AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language?
I've set my "life goals" to stuff I've already done so literally every day now I'm overachieving. It's all about perspective.
Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.
RIP Mrs Kotter
Looking for pornography? Type literally any letter into my search bar
FYI: You find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW
I have never met a US Congressman I didn't find completely honest and extremely intelligent. However I may need to add I have never met a US Congressman.
Spilled a my redbull on my phone this morning, now my phone wont come out of airplane mode
It's Friday the 13th. Good thing I'm not superstitious, it's unlucky to be superstitious...
Nothing turns a close knit family into a bunch of cage fighters like the question of "Who wants to lick the spoon of cake batter?"...
To the person who just mass messaged me that heart felt "Merry Christmas" text, I thought you should know everyone says "Thanks". ..All 115 of them. 