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Allergy season must be near... blooming idiots are everywhere 
FYI - Valentines Day is only 5 days away... It's not too late to break up.
The problem with the general public is that it's made of people.
Dogs have it so easy, they don’t go through the tedious process of three dates, they just have to smell each others asses.
Tell a girl a million times she's not fat, she’ll never believe you. Call her fat once she’ll never forget it. Most untold secrets
Next years VMA's: someone will actually get pregnant on live TV
DATING TIP: add 'Free Wi-Fi' to your dating profile
My brain during the day: I need a nap.... My brain at night: I wonder why the Earth was placed exactly here & allowed us to sustain human life....
I'll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
any non-drinkers wanna trade a liver for some really good stories??
Men aren’t as emotional as women because evolution realized early on that you can’t kill a spider by sharing your feelings.
Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself ……………………………………………from negative $hit.
I am instituting a new policy. Whining will be met with an ax handle to the face. I look forward to this new change in policy.
never volunteer to demonstrate anything
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Your p0sts make me wish I couldn't read.
Love fades....bacon is forever!
I'm not lazy. I just absolutely, passionately, wholeheartedly enjoy doing nothing.
I have mixed drinks about feelings..
Don't worry, we'll keep orbiting the sun without you. 