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My mom told me not to believe everything I see on the internet. So does that mean there really arn't sexy singles dying to meet me? :/ 
We all spend our lives looking for the weaknesses in each other forgetting that it's our strengths that define who we truly are.
Ex girlfriends are like farts...They feel good to let go but then they just linger around and annoy all your friends...
If you were to combine all the holidays, you'd eat turkey, give presents, hide eggs, light fireworks, and dress like a sIutty nurse all in the same day.
I realize there are better things in this world than beer...but beer makes up for the fact that I don't have any of them.
They probably just called her an "explorer" because "Dora the Drug Mule" didn't rhyme.
Guys, the only thing that beats playing with your kids is playing with the box they came in...
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
I think people should start adding carnivore to their bio, like vegetarians do. That way we're all clear on everyone's daily meal plan.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
There's a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
Why do they still use smoke to singal the pope vote? Don't they have a twitter account now?
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
Met Taylor Swift at the airport this morning and complimented her on her dress. Now she's sitting in a tree outside my window in a wedding dress with a guitar..... This can't be good!!!
The purpose of this status is to let you know that I have nothing to say, but that's not gonna stop me from saying it....
Abracadabra!! Nope. Your still a fucktard.
The saddest people in the world always seem to be the nicest.
if you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!
Remember how simple and happy life was before you met me? Yeah…I am sorry about that.
The harder you fall..... the higher you bounce!! 