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I like when a woman tries to shove 210 pounds in a 135 pound dress because I used to bag groceries and admire that level of conviction. 
If you ain't ugly in the morning, then you didn't do it right last night!
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
That terrifying moment; when you rub your eyes for too long and you go blind for like 10 seconds.
You're in love and I couldn't be happier for you. But can you let go of each others hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?"
Early to bed, early to rise, while your girlfriend does other guys.
I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.
If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Okay, let's get this straight. There's no way EVERYONE has the best boyfriend in the world.
Sometimes, inappropriate thoughts pop into my head, then dive head first onto my keyboard without ever slowing down.
When my kids piss me off, I show them a picture of Rosie O'Donnell and tell them that's their real dad.
The less you give a f$ck, the happier you will be.
Just spilled a drop of my 5 Hour Energy Shot...I'm thinking 4 hours and 4 minutes now.
Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it's already embarrassed you.
I see London. I see France. I see the Human Resources Office because I made an inappropriate observation.
Okay KFC we get it , You have a boneless chicken product , ABOUT time , since EVERY other fast food restaurant has had them since the dawn of time ! Please stop the "I ate the bones" campaign....Thanks
How many light bulbs does it take to change people...
People rarely hate you for your weaknesses, they hate you for your strengths.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start. 