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Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman 
If your relationship status says, "It's complicated", you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "single"
16 and pregnant? What about 18 and graduated ? 22 and successful?
My Valentines Date was arrested for biting her self and pushing her self down a flight of stairs... :( I need a replacement. :\
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Don't you dare come back running to me when you get treated the exact same way you treated me.
Whenever I need a quiet night at my house I just tell all my friends that I'm moving and need them to come over and help.
I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you.
Guess who just discovered the bipolar emoticon? :):
Wow, as it turns out you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sending a big SORRY out to that lady at the Waffle House from this morning. I was just trying to help!
My neighbour talks to his dog like it's his child. I heard him while taking my cat's pyjamas off the clothes line.
I call dibs on everything, ever. Sorry, it's out of my hands now. I'll be by to pick up all of your stuff later. Or MY stuff, rather.
But enough about me, let's talk about you... What do you think of me?
What do you call a group of chickens? A bucket
I was going to go to the Occupy Wall Street movement but I was too busy working.
Some people just need a sympathetic pat... on the head... with a hammer.
Women that go to the supermarket in heels are shopping for more than groceries.
Romancing myself today =) If I play my cards right, I might even get to sleep with myself. Chances are I wont call me back....
BREAKING NEWS: Apple has announced that there will be no 2012, only 2011S.
I was thinkin,,,The obituaries section in the newspaper would be more interesting if they told you how the person died. 