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I turn every sexual experience into a love try angle. 
My Wife says I talk in my sleep which I find it funny because nobody at work has ever mentioned it
Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(
Only 16 more days for December to Remember that, no one loves you enough to buy you a Lexus.
Facebook makes me feel like I'm right at home. Nobody cares what I have to say over there either.
People nowadays take pictures, not for memories, but to post them on facebook and get comments.
I won't lie. I only started drinking coffee after I got too old for cocaine.
My online password is now strong enough for their website. But now it's too complicated for me.
I swear people who like temperatures in the 90s don't actually work for a living.
We're adults? When did that happen and how do we make it stop?
You know you have problems when you mentally click a "like" button every time you see something that pleases you..
What I know about you has earned my attention. What I don't know about you is what makes you interesting.
The bartender at Buffalo Wild Wings must be a 49er fan!! They have added a power button right beside the sprinkler system!!
Creating unnecessary drama is a tool of the ignorant.
Get married, you're gonna die anyways.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you'll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
Doesn't Riley Cooper know that racial slurs are only used to get out of jury duty?
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh*t works with bears and they're almost as dangerous as angry women.
I never trust vans with clear windows because I can already see that they don't have candy in them.
Never leave something good to find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best has found better. 