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*wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family Where's my phone? 
All I want for Christmas is NO MORE GAME REQUESTS!!! Thank you!!
"Half time" is that point in time when you are too full to eat a whole slice of pizza but you have plenty of room if you cut that piece into two pieces and eat them separately.
Hi, I enjoy short drives to the liquor store and crying in the shower until the hot water runs out. Wanna date?
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
Vodka and denial is still cheaper than therapy
Disney will install warning signs to prevent future alligator attacks but sadly most alligators are illiterate.
Dating Red Flags: She shows you the "good behavior" pin she received in group therapy.
.... Heck ..... ow can you trust a government that leaves you defenseless against an enemy your own Government Imported?
If we had a black president none of this kind of stuff would be happening.
'Black Lives Matter' is taking off while 'Just stop breaking the law yo' gets no support
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ? The dog, of course; He'll shut up once you let him in.
I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"............this walmart sucks!
"It didn't make him stronger" - My gravestone, prolly..
Dear Fellow Americans,,, Can't we just all agree to write in "literally anyone else" on our ballots this November?
Latest Galllup Presidential Poll: Hillary Clinton's body double is now polling higher than Jill Stein.
The most contentious part of the Brangelina divorce will be who gets custody of Ethiopia.
Hillary says she takes national security very serious. So how the hell did wikileaks get those classified emails then?
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me...I was like, "what the Hellmann"?
I would probably be in a gang right now if I could stay up past 10pm. 