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Oh hi Becky, who refused to kiss me during Spin The Bottle in 6th grade & now wants to play Candy Crush, looks like the tables have turned. 
Why America is screwed... People like Chumlee on Pawn Stars is making money on TV instead of manning a fry station.
I don't need a thesaurus I know a lot of very very very good words
Don't forget this one thing folks, tonight the Moon will be visible from Earth. The last time this happened was last night.
I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, interrupt MY day and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.
Rest areas restroom are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo: The Feast of the 5 Mayonnaises: Hellmann's-Kraft-Duke's-Blue Plate and Miracle Whip
?The next time someone asks me what I'm doing, I'm gonna reply "I'm breathing 2 stay alive how about you"?
I wonder if Uranus is getting tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes?
You lost me at "Sir, we need your social security number to run a credit check"
Dear iTunes and Adobe, Would it not be more time efficient to just tell us when you are NOT updating?
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
When someone says they are gonna break their foot off in your ass, it means that they hate you but they hate their own foot even more.
my girlfriend is such a prude she doesn't even like 3 way calling
This empty wallet looks like I'll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy's awful jokes in a bar tonight.
So apparently, BFF, does not stand for 'big fat friend'. sorry Maureen on FB.
Cant wait to see the new Terminator movie ..Rage Against The Vending Machine
Hash tagging more than a few times in a post is like wearing Ed Hardy.
In reality all girls are crazy so you better just pick your favorite type.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone's eye they never seem to like it. 