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They say alcohol kills people. Lets not forget how many people were born because of it. 
At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.
You can keep retaking all the photos you want but that's just what your face really looks like
Booze is cheaper than therapy, and it doesn't keep asking, “and how did that make you feel?”
Let's get this out of the way now. Next Wednesday, the date will be 12-12-12. Happy? zzzzzzzzzzzzz
What good is a safe word if your mouth is full?
In Mother Russia, we don't shoot for the stars, the stars shoot for us
If you're single and you know it hug your cat!
Did you hear the bad news about about Lil Wayne? He's ok.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it's two boobs.
Accidentally dropping a full bottle of vodka on the ground really destroys your spirit.
If anything ever happens to me, this family is in trouble. Apparently I'm the only one around here who has the recipe for ice cubes and knows where the dishwasher is located. The remote control is safe, though.
I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.
Gang-related violence in my office is up 25% since this meeting started.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them.
I spent $100 at the grocery store and there still isn't anything to eat in my house
If you're on the treadmill next to me, the answer is “Yes. We are racing.”
Just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right
I have no idea what anyone means when they describe the weather as 'crisp'. If you're going to use the word 'crisp', you really should be talking about bacon.
To avoid condom related accident, use 2 condoms with chili powder in btwn them, if outer breaks she'll know & if inner one breaks U'll know! 