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Ah April 20th, the day the word dude was born. 
just spent 30 minutes entering ridiculous symptoms into WebMD and it diagnosed me as having no life and being immature. Pshhh!
You know your vacation sucks when you're constantly writing updates about it on Facebook.
Of course you can trust the government. Just ask a Native American how that worked out.
What did one saggy titty say to the other saggy titty? We better get some support soon or people will start thinking we're nuts!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just got back from my high school Football coach's funeral. I leaned over the casket and whispered "YOU walk it off".
You don't need training to be a garbage collector. You just pick it up as you go along.
Getting Old- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
To do list: go to a bank wearing a ski mask. complete a normal transaction. leave as if nothing happened.
DOUCHEBAG: "Bro can I use your phone to call my girlfriend?" ME: "Yeah sure, just hit redial."
The only thing more stressful than a blind date is meeting a new drug dealer for the first time.
I keep thinking about Shane from "The Walking Dead" telling Rick that "it all started with a few weird news reports."
My girlfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's ok, she won't get far. I set up a claymore by the door.
Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means? Father: It means 'to be happy'. Son: Are you gay? Father: No, son. I have a wife.
When I was a younger man girls used to "check me out". Now women just "keep an eye on me"
I am sure during sex, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian call out their own names.
If you don't remember pushing "6" three times to get the letter "O", you're too young for me to text with.
That moment when you check the price tag and sadly walk away.
"I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" - girls who are mad 