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Just killed a spider in kitchen and I'm leaving it there dead on the floor , just so all the rest can see what will happen to them . 
Attractive person: Hey whats up? Me: Who paid you
So, are they going to place Joe Paterno's statue in the library to remind people to keep quiet?
Women don't fart because they can't stop talking long enough to build up pressure.
Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON'T HANG UP" right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back
You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ
There was no power outage...... Beyonce's ass just got in front of the flood lights
Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing been complaining?
did anyone ever find out what The Rock was cooking? I always hoped it was lasagne
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldn't have to go downstairs and be disappointed.
How come there can't be one less Justin Bieber
Great door signs: Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix. Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels. Plumber's office: We repair what ur husband fixed. Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout. Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.
Nothing is more disturbing than sitting on a warm toilet seat.
Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't even spell.
Okay lads, let's all remember this : What happened in the mine, stays in the mine.
Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.
When wearing a baseball cap a BRO may position the brim at either 12 or 6 oclock. All other positions are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.
The year is 2016. The NFL has banned tackling. Players must apologize and say 10 nice things about each other after each penalty.
My dog said "woof" so I said "woof" & now I'm afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Fun thing to do #47 When you see someone on one knee tying their shoe stand in front of them and say "YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES" 