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It's a facebook status, not an opportunity to spill your whole life story and look for everybody's pity 
Ladies: Don't over exaggerate your make up. Your face is not a coloring book
If you get offended easily, I suggest you avoid me like a redneck relative.
id much rather have morning wood than morning sickness
Practicing random acts of kindness at the mall. Like holding doors open. Then tripping anyone who doesn't thank me.
Dear Wal-Mart! After 8 p.m. Please QUIT PUTTING the SLOWEST,OLDEST people behind the Speedy Check Out!
In honor of those who would if they could… I'm going back to bed.
Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?
it just me or do women's sunglasses get bigger and bigger and bigger?!? Relax with those things, eventually we have to see your face with your colored contacts and fake eye lashes.
I'm proud of my decision to never attempt to run any marathon.
I bet that in prison everyone's FB relationship status is set to "it's complicated".
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
Consider the social cohesion and dignity of the Japanese people in the face of unimaginable catastrophe. Contrast that with the behavior of Americans when faced with Black Friday.
After seeing all the gang signs at the park idk which one I want to join :-P
Let's drink tequila till you don't remember what I suggest next..
super excited cause In 21st century relationships.. you can touch each other's private parts BUT you can't touch each other's cell phones because they are PRIVATE!
Phase one of my secret plan is to teach the squirrels to work as lookouts. Once that is in place, I order the balloons.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide
H R Clinton Deleted/Destroyed over 33,000 Emails AFTER being ordered to surrender her Private Server & ALL contents to Authorities. Because she deleted the emails Clinton is disqualified from holding public office under U.S. Code Title 18, Section 2071
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ? 