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Notice at Church: Don't leave ur mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girlfriends unattended. Others may think it is an answer to their prayers. 
I don't hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she's made some serious mistakes in her past.
If I never use a smiley face in any of the texts I send you.....it's safe to say I don't like you.
Kids are just the best drugs. 5 nights of no sleep and I'm dizzy, sweaty, blurry, confused and can't walk a straight line. Who wants some?
There's no business like minding your own business
I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it's not beauty.
I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes
My outgoing message: Hi,, I'm gonna be honest, I screen people I don't want to talk to,,, You can leave a message, but if you heard this,,,,,It's you
So this girl was like, “I wanna have your children” and I was like, “okay, but you’ll have to ask their mom first.”
There's only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
When someone says "You owe me one"....I just hand them a dollar and get that sh*t done with.
Damn, for living in a trailer home in the woods you sure know a lot of government secrets
Today was somewhat embarrassing. It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned.
Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole bag.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don't you ever smile in my pictures?
I love driving behind old people. You can get so much done: eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, read a book... write a book, etc.
Alec Baldwin's narration voice is a symphony of creepy. He makes a floating glacier sound like a pedophile drifting into a playground. 