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When it comes to bacon, I have as much self control as a kitten faced with a large ball of string... 
Went out with ex last night. Sat next to each other, shared a meal, got drunk, went home and didn't have sex. Just like being married again.
Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon
Wedding Rings - the world's smallest handcuffs.
When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to. When a boy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two
The "don't talk to me about kids until you have a kid" people are extremely annoying. I don't think I need to produce another human being to know it's problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his b!tch.
Unless the next one is a dude, I don't want to here any more about Tiger Woods
This lady just said she's naming her baby Nevaeh b/c its Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.
I was at the store, and there was an old lady looking at turkeys. She asked,"Do you think these turkeys will get any bigger closer to the holiday?" I said, "No." She asked, "Why?" I go, "Because they're dead."
Oh, look at the time.... The big hand says Fuck, and the little hand says Off
thinks if there wasn't a last minute he'd never get anything done
Today my allergies came up to me, punched me in the face and said "Hi B%tch! Miss Me?"
I hate when girls show there muffin top and still think there sexy
Brace yourselves... Everyone on Facebook is about to become a constitutional scholar.
kevin costner dropped the ball this time
You don't see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don't see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Not only am I a master of suspense but I
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I've only got 40 lbs to go.
Stop blaming the holidays....you were fat in August!
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously. 