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.... Just got rid of 200lbs of ugly fat ..... Got divorced. 
If you build it they will come is why I don't build anything.
4 new elements have been added to the periodic table. Adding to the list of things you won't retain from high school.
Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
I don't have any room in my heart for you, but I do have space for you in my trunk.
I'm clingy, but not " Simon Cowell's t-shirt" clingy.
Why do girls associate their selfies with a deep yet irrelevant quote? I do not understand the correlation
Babies are a receipt that you've had sex..
Dad, I love how we don't even have to say out loud that I'm your favorite.
During a fight with your wife tell her you're bored,,
No trust in a relationship is like a car with no gas. You can stay in it as long as you want but you aren't going anywhere.
I'm a very persuasive person. I can convince myself of anything.
Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better...
Nothing is ever worth giving up your class.
Drunk sayings = Sober thoughts
I can't stand it if I'm excluded from an activity even if I have no intention of going and don't like those who are.
Remember Hitler in the movie Little Nicky?.... I figure right about now Osama Bin Laden is getting his first pineapple.
If Ashton Kutcher pops up right now and says "You just got Punk'd"... Ima be so pissed!
Instead of labeling OBL with the titles he would want and relish in, such as "Al Qaeda founder", "Terrorist Leader" or "9/11 Mastermind", we should just label him as Hide & Seek Champion 2001-2011. You're next Waldo.
Bin Laden may have been great at Hide-&-Seek but he sucked at Marco Polo. Navy Seal "Marco"..Bin Laden "Polo"...Navy Seal 'Bang..Bang' 