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Since giving up carbs, I've been feeling..Oh, what's that word?? Homicidal... 
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt
Are we really that bored and stupid as a country that the “Tide Pod Challenge “ is even a thing? Wtf
I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer”
because when people see a sign that says,
“Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM”
everyone is going to be there.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.
I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.
I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.
FACT : A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast
I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.
I would do anything to be hot, except eat healthy and exercise
I hope snow storm Jonas doesn't bring his other 2 brothers
I don't know why it's necessary to get a glass dirty when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don't know who to listen to anymore
"My body wasn't designed for this." - me, getting out of bed
You Only Live Once: So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers. After all it's 2016!!!
I know being single on Valentines Day can suck, but it's so much better than dating some idiot. 