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All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria? 
Welcome to Twitter if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine, one will be assigned to you....
Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.
All I’m saying is now might be a good time to check the Paris pawn shops for some good deals on jewelry.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween. So, for this year, I'm dressing up as 3% phone battery.
I'm pretty sure I just heard the lady on the Clorox commercial tell me I can use their product to clean up a murder.
I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.
My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.
I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.
If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.
I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.
I would do anything to be hot, except eat healthy and exercise
I hope snow storm Jonas doesn't bring his other 2 brothers
I don't know why it's necessary to get a glass dirty when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don't know who to listen to anymore
"My body wasn't designed for this." - me, getting out of bed
You Only Live Once: So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers. After all it's 2016!!!
I know being single on Valentines Day can suck, but it's so much better than dating some idiot.
It's a, "I want to fake my own death, move to Mexico & live off of tacos & tequila type of day"....
Jeb Bush always looks like a substitute teacher that just got some attitude from the problem student. 