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Just want to wish all my single friends out there a very happy Independence Day! 
Use the aging app on your kids and you may find out who the daddy is
Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.
The older you get the more dating is like that final scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Red finally tells the Parole Board off.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Due to the election I may start a moving co.
Thank god this election is over......I almost forgot what real commercials were like.
A person without a sense of humor is like a car without shocks, they get jolted by every rock or pebble in the road.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go if that happens?
Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss
Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...
i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store; and not a government agency.
I AM SO READY TO KISS 2016 GOODBYE!
The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.
I bought my dog his own cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes. 