Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Since the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, I'm surprised it didn't come with both arms raised.

   March 4th. I like today's date because it's like i'm telling people what to do.

   The police sent me a photo of my car speeding. So I sent them a picture of my cheque.

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

   I wouldn't mind public transportation if it wasn't for the public.

   She blinded me with science. By science, I mean pepper spray.

   Political speeches are like bull horns. A point here. A point there. And a lot of bull in between.

   What do a midget and a dwarf have in common? Very little.

   Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

   Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

   Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.

   I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

   2 doctors are laying in bed after having sex.Guy says "You must be an gyno' because you can work that p*ssy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."

   Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

   I left my cross-eyed girlfriend today. The b*tch was seeing someone else.

   I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who was wearing Uggs.

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-gf and me. After all, I'm a Gemini and she's a b*tch.

   You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

   According to a new report,women who have had breast implants get spells of dizziness,blurred vision & slurred speech. This is because of the amount of alcohol bought for them.