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I just wrote go f*** yourself on a piece of paper and put it in the suggestion box at work. 
"My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.
Excuse me Ladies, but my eyes are up here.
If it looks like a B!tch, talks like a B!tch, and acts like a B!tch! Congratulations you met my EX!!!
Why do people spill their guts on facebook like it's, "Daddy touched me week" on Dr. Phil???
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
I promise to avoid all cliches like the plague.
I am "I remember when Saturday Night Live Was Funny" years old.
Certain lives matter ... But only when they are k.illed by cops .... But not so much when they are k.illed by each other ....
This Halloween I'll be a banker. I'll eat all my candy, all yours, then convince the government that if I don't get more candy we all starve.
“Dress for the job you want, not the job you have” I told my staff while standing naked smoking a bong waiting for money from the government.
Why do I feel so awkward about asking you for the money you owe me? You owe me. You must feel terrible.
I can't explain why but whenever I see a blind person, I instinctively refuse to say or do anything to alert them that I'm there. Instead, I stealthily scoot to the side as they pass me. It's what a ninja must feel like all the time.
I call you sunshine.... not because you rise in the am; but because you go down at night.
Facebook is like an ex girlfriend/boyfriend that your in love with; you might not like all the changes but you still go to it when your bored.
's motto for 2010: You got a problem with me, solve it, can't stand me, sit down, think i'm trippin, tie my shoe, can't face me, then turn the f$%# around!!
I saw a sign on the back of a dump truck that said: "Happiness is getting your load off."
Inbox me your Bank Account or Credit Card number and I will post in my status which bill I paid with it or which Christmas gift I purchased. This is one numbers game I will play.
There is always a double standard when strip clubs have 'All You Can Eat' buffets.
I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them. 