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An "open relationship" is when both people are cheating on each other and want everyone else to know. 
If drinking destroys your memory, what does drinking do?
Please Don't write on my wall, I just painted it yesterday. Thanks.
don't let the mornings get you down, sleep till noon!
Time to put on my best sexual harrassment suit. It's much like my birthday suit, just... Okay, it's exactly like my birthday suit.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk. . .
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Clearly, who ever said "more than a hand full is a waste" never have actually had their hand on more than a hand full.
Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f cuk him...but I'm no expert, Joe."
Marriage: I gave sex up for this?
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
I've been single so long now I don't remember what it's like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn't even know it did!
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
What time does that rioting and looting reality show start tonight?
"KiSS HER"~~~Me watching women's boxing.....
Let me see if I have this right, they defended the White House from a home invasion with guns?
Some 28,000 Terrorist Attacks Worldwide since 9/11 And somehow it's all because we don't have enough gun control in the US!
The Pope is really setting a high bar for giving something up for Lent.
That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sandwiches. 