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When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets 
Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list. If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up. DO NOT DO THIS IT IS A SCAM.
When you find someone who finally understands you, the world will go away.
I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped my ass with a dryer sheet. Now my ass is soft, static free, and outdoor fresh.
Dear man at the gas station, I admire how your mustache begins with your nose hairs.
She's not a slut, she's just been on more wieners than Heinz ketchup
My flood preparations go to bed in my swim trunks and tape my cellphone to the ceiling.
I think its unfair that men and women are not treated equally...It just seems wrong that women can show a lil boobie and get out of a speeding ticket but when I show a lil ball I get arrested...It just aint right
If they EVER put a DUI checkpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru, it's safe to say we're all screwed.
Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. Why didn't the cameraman help her up?
I like to wear a parachute on airplanes and act smug during turbulence.
I've just discovered that I'm neither a lover nor a fighter...I'm an eater.
In life, we have 2 choices: we could spend our time crying for what's gone or instead we could smile for what's to come. That's for us to decide. Now, 1 thing is for sure. Life still goes on, no matter what. It won't wait for us. Join it or be left behind
Waking up at 7:00 always seems better than waking up at 6:59.
I'm not shy. I'm just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouh to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment$ directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
If it wasn't for auto-tune Jennifer Lopez would be selling rugs and little Puerto Rican flags out of a van at the intersection by the mall.
In celebration of "Fat Tuesday", I only plan to party on days that start with "T" from now on......Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday! ツ
I want a girlfriend born on 29 February. Think of all the money I will save on birthdays.
I woke up one day and your name just didn't make me smile anymore.
Welcome to "Ticked Off Tuesday". Today's special is bitchy, sarcastic attitude, with a side order of I don't give a damn. Enjoy! 