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I just went to the bathroom without my phone & had to read a magazine to kill time like a freaking caveman. 
Genie: Thank you for freeing me,, I will grant you 3 wishes, what is your first?.. Me: more wishes!.. Genie: A genie can only grant 3 wishes... Me: Well then, more genies!!.. Genie: Aww, crap
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
Females on facebook suffer in silence louder than anyone I've ever met in my life.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I don't always hate Monday, but when I do it's usually the Monday after the Spring Daylight Savings Time change.
What a lovely winter we're having this spring.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep. Friday night here I come
I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Justin Bieber was "Baptized" last night.... Or as the church likes to call it... "A failed attempt to drown Bieber"
I see your "Restraining order" and raise you a "high powered telescope"
Halloween is my favorite night of the year because we are all guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
People on Death row probably don't think it's funny when the President pardons the turkeys for Thanksgiving.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken.
Saturday,,,, an Olympic hopeful was killed with a starter pistol....... Police think it might be race related
I've always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand them a briefcase and say, "You know what to do"
My sex tape is just several camera angles of me getting friend zoned.
thinking of opening my own business... half sporting goods store and half hardware store. I could call it "Sport n' Wood".
How do you circumcise an ISIS dude? You can't. There ain't no end to them pr!cks. 