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"I know,, Let's tape a spider to a lobster and scare the crap out of everyone." -- God, when He made scorpions 
It's always "Too hard. Too soft. Too short. Too thick." I'm never inviting Goldilocks to another orgy
"I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something." -Ron Swanson
Don't ever send me to the store for you if you expect to get your change back.
So Lindsay Lohan has to work in the morgue now, maybe she can look for her career while she's there.
Did you make it home safely? "No, I died 35 times
I bet we all look like a bunch of damn idiots to aliens.
Dear keyboard, They may touch you, but they can't take their eyes off of me. Sincerely, monitor.
Being in prison and being married are alike in many ways except in prison there is a lot more sex.
told Christian Mingle what I wanted in a girl...but they sent her over to wash out my mouth with soap instead.
Australia's highest court just denied worker's compensation to a bureaucrat who was injured while having sex during a business trip. When asked about the decision, the female employee said “Once again I got screwed".
Now that I’m over the hill, I’m happy to report I can still do all the things could do when I was in my 20’s. … well, at least the things I can remember.
My favorite part about being an adult is thinking about how stupid I was as a child for wishing I was an adult.
You should just get a discount if a cashier makes small talk.
Wearing a visor is like trying to get laid with the difficulty setting on expert.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
Will World War III begin before or after Christmas? Because I don't want to buy presents for nothing.
Not all accidents are destiny, but all girls named Destiny were accidents.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one. 