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The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now," 
Black Friday is when Kim Kardashian shops for a new husband.
feel like I should smoke a cigarette after what it took to get the Canberry sauce out of the can.
I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?” Nooooo not at all, we all dump in the yard.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego.
If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she's 70, it'll be a giraffe!
If she high-five you after sex...marry her on the spot.
Stay out of my dreams if you're not going to be there when I open my eyes
Some people can't sleep because they suffer from insomnia. I can't sleep because I have an internet connection.
Dont be disappointed if ppl refuse to help you.... remember the words of Einstein.... "Im thankful for those who said "NO" because of them I did it myself!" ツ ♡
Yawning is the body's way of saying '10% Battery Remaining'.
I like a girl that isn't afraid to jump in front of me during a robbery & say “babe, please. I got this one, you bought dinner.”
My neighbors parked to close to my car again. And hey look at that, Somebody keyed their car again.
I wonder how many calories a women burns trying to avoid sex?
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!"
Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
What Woodstock 1969 tought us is that life isn`t about waiting for the storm to pass, it`s about learning to dance in the rain...
Funny how some women will spend over a hundred dollars for products to clean their face, yet purchase the cheapest toilette paper to clean their A$$.
Snooki pregnant? The world rejoices! Except for the 73 men who are doing some hardcore math.
He's been marinating in honey for years. Don't tell me a rack of Winnie the Pooh ribs wouldn't be tasty. 