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A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail 
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was
My wife and I have two very different ideas of what 'Sunrise Service' means.
Another fine day ruined by responsibility.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
News: "3 Cliff Walkers Fall to Their Death" Wow, what were the chances of them all having the same name?
Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant in 2015.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
That's odd, my FitBit just told me I met my daily goal of 10,000 steps, but all I've done all day is sit on the couch and watch porn.
it weird that I'm 37 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and possibly one cat?
I got this new device to help me stop smoking. It's a lighter that won't f*ckin work
Despite our love of candy and fast food, the number of Americans who will live to be 100 years or older will increase dramatically. In 2010 there were 53,000 centenarians in the United States, and I have driven behind every single one.
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while you are waiting.
I don't get why people pay $400 a month in child support. According to the Sally Struthers, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.
It would be so much more ''festive" if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season
Men and women have different ways of cleaning a toilet. Women use bleach and rinse twice.We man just pee on the poop stains as hard as we can..
Biggest slut alive? Ms pacman. For a quarter she will swallow balls until she dies. 