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I FINALLY found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine! 
"Please don't put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
People dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just hold their phone over the plate, snap a picture, & then upload it to instagram .
Governments that try to control the internet are SOPAthetic
Excuse me lady, there is a FACE on your Makeup.
Halloween isn't really that different than any other day... everyone's still pretending to be someone or something their not.
Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?
Hey Friday, um....you're cool and all but...I'm really into your friend Saturday. We have way more fun together. Sorry :(
NO Relationship Is Perfect, So You Might As Well Pick The Perfect Person To Go Through Hell With.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme box to work and sit in the break room and watch all the disappointed faces.
The shutdown is over. Now instead of sitting at home doing nothing the government employees can go to work and do nothing.
Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times. I found a prostitute who charges by the inch. Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy an inexpensive night out.
My wife just asked me if I noticed anything different about her hair, so took the easy way out and did a triple backflip into a volcano.
They should make a reality TV show called, "Jersey Shore meets Shark Week"
We used to watch the news to find out the truth. If you're looking for the truth now, the last thing you'd want to watch is the news.
I put the FU in FUN :)
I bought a pair of "Meatloaf" underwear today..on the front it says "I would do anything for Love" and on the back it says "But I wont do that"
I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
Some people were dropped as a baby, but then there's some that were clearly thrown at the wall
When I grow up, I want to become a corrupt senator, who's single vote is worth billions in concessions for his home state. Congress--the only place in America where extortion is legal 