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I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw. 
I do less before 9AM than most people don't do all day.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My entire work day has just been me moving the mouse so the screen doesn’t go to sleep.
Don't come to me for advice. We'll just end up at the liquor store...
I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen
Pesto could be magical if only it had an R in it
turning older than 12 years old was the biggest mistake of my life
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
As of yesterday it is illegal to eat road kill in Montana. "Road kill" is such an ugly phrase. I prefer the term "vehicularly harvested."
THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I’m out of beer.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
App: This app would like to use your location. Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters
Why is ham the only lunch meat that gets its own radio
Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now. 