Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

   I just had 14 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is f*cking awesome!

   Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.

   I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.

   Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest sh!t.

   That episode of Star Trek where Superman goes on a blind date with Rosie O'Donnel is on. Also, how much NyQuil is too much?

   You would think that by now those dumbass sickos that get busted on Dateline NBC's show To Catch a Predator would just haul ass as soon as they saw the clothes basket.

   The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie.

   I think it would be cheaper to just buy stamps and mail my car back and forth to work.

   I had a very akwrd moment in the checkout line today. I grazed a lady's boob... It was embarrassing for both of us and the two people between us too.

   Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet.

   Mowed the yard today and threw my clippings in the neighbors yard........ #SuburbanThugLife*

   I have friends that my mom hates. I love those friends the most.

   It's important to have goals in life. When you want to get something accomplished, the majority of your energy should be focused on accomplishing that goal. That's why everything I do is about trying to get laid.

   Just read an article about an invasive species of shrimp in U.S. waters that are up to 13 inches in length and weigh up to a 1/4 pound............................................... Give me some c0cktail sauce and I will personally do what I can to help.

   I'm not crazy. Sheldon's mom had me tested.

   If I were rich I wouldn't be shaking this ketchup bottle so hard. :/

   “and, so, that's where I'm at on the project, I couldn't have done it with out your input.” - How I end every conversation when the boss walks in and catches me goofing off with another employee.

   Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.

   I saw a sign in the store that said "pants up to 80% off" so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on. :(