Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Never call me creepy. You're the only one that doesn't even know we're engaged. 
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
I've learned to live with a very flexible definition of 'OK.'
Sometimes I put a “for sale” sign in my neighbor’s yard and pray the power of suggestion works.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.
Always surprised when people on Tiny House Hunters move in with their kids and there isn't a follow-up show called Tiny House Homicides.
I'm glad the hackers gained access into my MySpace account. Please send me my pics, I forgot my login information 8 years ago.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
using Scotch Blue Painter's tape instead of Duct Tape because she wants it rough, yet romantic.
I can't decide if the new guy is a really nice helpful kind guy or if he's a creepy serial killer type.It's such a fine line sometimes
Hints that someone is not enjoying your company. . 1. I keep backing away from you. 2. No eye contact. 3. Keep checking my phone. 4. I'm trying real hard to spontaneously combust.
So "Linsanity" no longer refers to Lindsay Lohan but Jeremy Lin? What if they start dating, what then? The Adventures of LinLin?
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets.
She was my world, until I found another planet.
dancing and singing with headphones......apparently frowned upon in court.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome
Sequestering a sandwich.
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: "How did you know this sign was here?"
You know what's really beautiful about a beautiful day? ALCOHOL! 