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I'm glad to see most of you are not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance. 
Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.
I need breakfast! If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me
If you're home alone and wearing pants, you're doing it wrong!
If you ever want to see my impression of one of those inflatable tube guys that car dealerships use,,,, throw a spider down the back of my shirt
Dear world, please don't end till after after my four day weekend is complete. Thank you.
I always party like it's 1999. Standing in a corner talking to nerds about The Matrix.
I'm confused,, I just got a Chinese lantern with the label "Warning: For outdoors and indoors use only".
I never got any good mail on Saturday anyway.
I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I just got a call from the NFL office...they must have gotten wind of that 1 flag football game I ref'd in 2002
it's only perverted if she says no...
I thought she was trying to tell me that masturbation was wrong. What she was really saying was she didn't want me doing it in her kitchen.
Yes, lady, you are cute, but not 5000 photos on facebook cute.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Dont question my laziness
Autocorrect just changed "hammered" to "married" so I guess I'm getting hitched tonight.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button
Send a SEAL team into the militant's barracks at night, scatter legos and matchbox cars on the floor, pull the fire alarm and unleash a weapon of mass distruction more powerful than the world has ever seen before. Syrian conflict solved!
A good rule of thumb is to take the amount of trust you have in someone's knowledge and decrease it by 15% for each tooth they're missing. 