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My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself. 
I only talk sh*t when I'm strategically located near bouncers.
Apparently the forklifts at home depot are "not meant for racing and for employee use only."They should really get a sign..
Living the dream........if the dream was about doing laundry.
Getting older means I no longer have the energy to do many of the things I enjoy in life, for example being awake.
If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?
Today my friend told me that she's "addicted" to running. The only way I'm becoming "addicted" to running is if I'm also "addicted" to being chased by wild animals or the cops.
says when my psychiatrist told me I was crazy, I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Alright, you're ugly too." I guess I need to be careful what I ask for.
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Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
.... Enjoying music is like eating candy .... The first thing you do is get rid of the Rapper ....
Farmer plows the field. Farmer doesn't even stay for breakfast, stops returning the field's calls.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
Ladies, it's not a birth month or even a birth week. It's a birthday. You get to celebrate one f'n day, ok?
The only way the Democrats would do away with Obamacare would be if it required a photo ID to get it.
Here's a thought. The next time a criminal is told to stop by the police, he should take a knee instead of trying to run away.
Does it bother anyone else when you here someone say, "I axe him"
i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.
She just needs a shot of vitamin D.
The best gift of all, is freedom and health. Merry Christmas 