Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   Most women don't even need to workout. Y'all burn enough calories jumping to conclusions.

   I always keep a baseball bat under my bed, just in case someone breaks into the house and throws a ball at me.

   Damn it!!! My neighbor mowed his grass, now I got to mow mine again. :/ I'm gonna lower my deck two notches lower than his, just to piss him off!!!

   I asked my kid, “Do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It's so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

   I'm feeling adventurous, so I'm going to go to sleep and try to dodge Freddy Krueger. Wish me luck!

   A psychologist cannot change a light bulb unless the light bulb really wants to change.

   Today, I am reaching new heights, beating deadlines, achieving my goals without even being asked, staying committed & taking initiative. Today, I'm on leave!

   Calm your tit. Just one tit. Leave your other one crazy and out of control. That's your party tit.

   I am a kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

   Don't know what I'd do with my life if Facebook didn't notify me that my hundreds of friends changed their profile picture every 5 minutes.

   If nobody is talking about you, you must not be a very interesting person.

   Just bought a 12 pack and this first beer is the best beer I've ever had, but I better drink these other 11 to make sure...

   Babies are the 2 extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   I just invented a time machine for you so that you can travel back in time and, quite literally, go f*ck yourself. Twice.

   Apparently Diet Pepsi has come out with a new "skinny" can...does that mean regular Pepsi will be coming out with a new "fat-ass" can?

   My motto is "never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.

   You know you are obsessed with farmville, when your stomach is growling and you say, "Shut-up! I need to harvest!"

   You gotta text her goodnight if she special. The other women just get the "oh my bad I fell asleep" text in the morning.

   You know that person that complains all year, but on Thanksgiving uses the entire 420 characters in a FB status update about the things they're thankful for? Don't be that person.