Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Coming home drunk knocking things over and telling them to''shhhh!''

   I signed into Facebook so I could find out where all my friends will be this weekend. I now have a list of places to avoid. Strategery, folks.

   If this phone were really smart, it wouldn't let certain people call me.

   If someone ever tells you "we need to talk" they dont care about anything you have to say.

   Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?

   My girlfriend's ex walked over to me the other day and asked… "So how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?" I said, "Doesn't bother me, actually once you get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new."

   "Mommy! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM! Kidding. He only eats kids. Goodnight."

   Fun Fact: There's more time spent installing Adobe updates than the actual use of Adobe.

   I want that job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!"

   Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.

   Sometimes I think Facebook is trying to insult me by some of its friend suggestions.

   I think it's only fair to throw Monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.

   If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor

   Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.

   You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   Why does my phone insist on reminding me my battery is dying, wasting even more of my battery!

   Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.

   Sometimes I read Facebook status updates and I can't understand them. Then I say to hell with it and read some that aren't mine.