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I'm not sure what I like most about Woman's U.S. Open Tennis.... watching them play or... listening to them play :) 
Now that they found this missing boy in the basement of his own home, I have to ask: Has anyone recently checked the tarmac for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370?
Obama is now googling "Can an executive order override Supreme Court?"
Anyone else find it slightly suspicious that a massive plane's gone missing over the same ocean that Bin Laden's floating in.....?
Gay or straight doesn't matter. What matters here is funny jokes! Come on people, my facebook friends are starting to think I've run out of funny sayings.
Relax Jared. You will still be able to get all of the footlongs that you want in prison
Seriously, fucktards. Zuckerburg isn't giving anyone 4.5 mill. You're just embarrassing yourself.
My wife found lipstick in my pocket. I straight up told her I'm cheating. There no way I'm telling her I'm selling Avon.
I hate when people inbox me to tell me how funny my status es are... Motherf*cker there is a "like" button for a reason!
If Monday was a person it would be a fat ginger girl who likes horses and tells the teacher when you cheat.
It is hard to pull off gangster with a toy poodle sitting in your lap.
“Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality.” -Bruce Lee
■If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. ~D.Larson
A thunderstorm is God's way of saying his electronics will always be better than yours
If I had a nickel for every time someone said I'm bad at math, I'd have 47 cents.
Just learned that you're supposed to Urinate on a Jellyfish Sting and NOT on a Jelly Roll Stain.......Sorry Sir.
If I was homeless I would enter various resturants and yell "FOOD FIGHT!"
Girl says "Guys are like bras. They hook up behind your back.".... The best reply, "Girls are like condoms, they spend more time in your wallet then on your d!ck!"
Social Security checks are go paperless. Cause if the is something senior citizens are good at it's online banking.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I... 