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Relax Jared. You will still be able to get all of the footlongs that you want in prison 
Seriously, fucktards. Zuckerburg isn't giving anyone 4.5 mill. You're just embarrassing yourself.
My wife found lipstick in my pocket. I straight up told her I'm cheating. There no way I'm telling her I'm selling Avon.
I hate when people inbox me to tell me how funny my status es are... Motherf*cker there is a "like" button for a reason!
If Monday was a person it would be a fat ginger girl who likes horses and tells the teacher when you cheat.
It is hard to pull off gangster with a toy poodle sitting in your lap.
“Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality.” -Bruce Lee
■If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. ~D.Larson
A thunderstorm is God's way of saying his electronics will always be better than yours
If I had a nickel for every time someone said I'm bad at math, I'd have 47 cents.
Just learned that you're supposed to Urinate on a Jellyfish Sting and NOT on a Jelly Roll Stain.......Sorry Sir.
If I was homeless I would enter various resturants and yell "FOOD FIGHT!"
Girl says "Guys are like bras. They hook up behind your back.".... The best reply, "Girls are like condoms, they spend more time in your wallet then on your d!ck!"
Social Security checks are go paperless. Cause if the is something senior citizens are good at it's online banking.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
I copied my Match@com bio from a used car website. - White. - Good condition. - Reliable. - Cheap. - Some evidence of rear end damage.
I had a falling out with a co-worker when he found out I slept with his sister. We're cool now. He is even teaching me Spanish. Now I can order steak(Soy un idiota que tiene sexo con las vacas). Thanks Javier!!
Hey Girls,,, When a guy says "I'm listening",, what he means is "I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he'd be unstoppable".
Women claim men are dogs but remember if you feed a dog his favorite food all the time, he will never leave home
If you smile in a Walmart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy. 