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There are two things I do at the ATM - deposit and withdraw. I don't even check my balance, because it's on the receipt. So, for the love of God, can someone please tell me what the douche in front of me has been doing for the past 10 minutes??? 
I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for "after" photos.
This guy posted pics of his girl on a forum - I'm not saying she's ugly, it just looks like she dives face first into gravel for a hobby. He mentioned the camera settings were a bit off... I was thinking the best camera setting would've been "off."
There are 70 ways to make a woman happy. 1 is shopping and then do the rest. If you know what I mean.
finally catching up with my emails…..ballon boy?…..how crazy is that?
If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
Great....you discovered youtube. Now, can you quit flooding the newsfeed with the 200 videos you wish to share!!!
My neighbor should get a faster Internet service. This movie is taking too long to download.
likes poetry, chocolate cake, and poking dead things with sticks.
Above all else. Don't forget to smile. It either warms their heart or pisses them off. You win no matter what.
A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superficial.
performing random acts of kindness today to totally mess with people
Summer weather; it's not the heat, its the stupidity...
Rule of thumb when hitting on co-workers... if you're cute, it's flirting. If you're not... it's sexual harrassment.
When I found out my new toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked
A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people
A North Carolina waitress was fired for complaining on Facebook about a small tip she received. A lesson to all servers who like to post online complaints: write them where they'll never be seen — on MySpace.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
So .... The DNC Chairiwoman "Debbie Wasserman Schultz" was forced to resign over PROOF of Corruption .... And is IMMEDIATELY Hired by the Hillary Clinton campaign ...... That kinda tells ya something about Hillary doesn't it!!!! 