Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The universe is 14 billion years old. It seems silly to celebrate one year... Be like having a parade every time I take a piss.

   Local news is like Facebook. You get stories you don't care about, some jerk talks about weather and it all ends with pictures of animals doing funny stuff.

   Adorable when people think that I’d care enough to hate them.

   If you think my lunchbox looks a lot like a 12 pack, you're right... except there's only 4 left now! :)

   I'm not sure what I hate most about rain. The fact that it's cold, it's wet, or it instantly turns everyone else on the road but you into a bad driver.

   The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.

   If Friday ever came up missing... than more than likely Monday had something to do with it!

   Believe me, I have been trying really hard to pay attention to what you have to say, but somehow, not giving a sh*t always gets in the way.

   Ran out of toilet paper... So I looked around for a suitable replacement. Found a box of Kleenex. Should've examined the box a little closer as it had an added bonus of Vicks Vapor Rub. Now the butt is icy hot. :/

   Since Facebook came into my life I have completely neglected MySpace. This must be what parents feel like when they have a second child.

   When someone says "I'll think about it," they're just trying to get you to stop talking. Also, the answer is "no."

   I may be a 32 year OLD man with a slight belly in just a dirty white T-shirt and Hanes boxer briefs, but when I'm on my patio having a smoke I pose like I'm in Calvin Klein Photo Shoot.

   If you're easily offended, you'll want to skip over the post below... Actually, just skip all of mine. I don't want DoucheBags reading them anyway.

   It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook.

   I'm thinking of removing all the keys off my friend's keyboard and replacing them in a random order.

   My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?!? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

   Timex and Tampax should get together and invent something to let guys know its her time of the month.

   Adam's first words to Eve: "Stand back, I don`t know how big this thing gets!"

   Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post.

   I can only hope that someday I have the self esteem of the 300 pound guy wearing spandex that just came in.