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Whoever said that nothing rhymes with orange clearly doesn't know the correct pronunciation of 'nothing,' 
If a stranger in a bar has never bought you a drink you are probably ugly.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything
Texting someone back while driving just means that you love them enough to actually die for them.
I hate when I read this post and and don't realize the word ''and'' was said twice.
Whenever I get angry, I calm myself down by repeating these 5 words over and over again, “Bartender, Give Me A Double”
Yo Italian Cruise Ship... I'mma let you finish but Titanic had the best sinking of all time!!!
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Wondering if you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?
wishing you wouldn't take such steamy showers, it fogs my camera's
when I hear a person say "My Mom didn't raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Christmas shopping is a pain in the cash.
Hookers dont like to snuggle..
Don't judge a book by it's cover, but do judge a person by their Facebook status.
I'd fake blindness to touch you inappropriately. ;)
So now that oil is so cheap,,,, maybe we should start drilling for black printer ink.
English man and a Thai woman are in bed. After sex the women starts stroking his weenie. The man asks haven't you had enough? She says “yeah, I just miss mine."
Sometimes I go down to the Home Depot and pick up day laborers in my truck just to have people to drink with. Hop in, amigos. It's Miller time.
When someone is waiting for you to leave so they can take your parking spot: 1) Pretent to turn key. 2) Exit car. 3) Open hood and look frustrated.
he finally killed someone...bout time obama blackened up. 