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Crap....all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist. 
Dear bed, I know that I left you this morning, but I love you. Take me back?
So is it the 3rd or 4th refill of water into the nearly empty liquid soap bottle that makes you ghetto?
You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed...
That annoying moment when you're waiting for a text & you get one but it's from the wrong person.
I couldn't believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I'd spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down.....
Dear guy in the mens bathroom...* man rule # 1a - if there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1 , dont come parking it at urinal #2 !...your man card is suspended !
Can't shake this headache. Perhaps the shaking isn't helping
Look you asked me to be your childs Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.
Man it has been too long since I last got laid. The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
When a woman asks for your opinion, they don't want to hear your opinion, they want to hear their opinion in a deeper voice.
ever wonder where hoarders come from? have a Yard Sale....
My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, "That's for all the cheating!" She has a weird way of apologizing.
Somebody needs to invent a way to punch another person in the throat via Internet.
When starting an IV on a patient do NOT refer to the big IV needles as lawn darts.
There was a spider in my bathtub so my wife got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
i have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake
changing seats on a bus may change your view... but not your destination
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I'm sitting through that bullshi@t sober.
Dear KFC, Why are all the people in your commercials thin? Sincerely, highly suspect. 