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against recycling because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man. 
there are plenty of fish in the sea, ya just gotta wiggle your worm!
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
Do you know if you add ur birthdate to ur age then multiply it by ur weight then divide it by ur height, then add 12345, then take the square root of that number and add it to Pi & then multiply that times zero....u will know exactly how much I give a sh!
In order to PREVENT SPAM, I ask that you DONT CLICK THE FRIGGIN LINK YOU BONEHEADED TWAT !
the dance floor is a priviledge not a right
"Porn stash" sounds too seedy. I prefer to call it my "Guybrary."
Dear construction worker: After 637 washes, your orange shirt is no longer classified as "high visibility".
I just don't think this wiener thing is going to stand up in court.
Accidentally watched a few minutes of The Bachelor and now I can't remember a single state capitol.
Nowadays, Father's Day is a good day to thank Dad for not running away from home.
my method of Resistance Training is just NOT working out!
In the past, when you were angry with someone, you fought them. Now you just defriend them on Facebook.
Oh you want me to "make time" for you? Well, if I could "make time" I wouldn't be wasting that skill on you.
Driving home late, uncomfortable, cold, music blaring: About to fall asleep. Finally home, comfortable, quiet, in bed: Wide awake and posting on facebook.
Love: Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing
Dear Oil Companies…at least have the common courtesy to offer a reach around when I pump…Fu@k You Very Much…
thinks I've found the cure for stupidity... a shock collar. And if it doesn't cure them, at least you got a good laugh watching them twitch."
Why does everyone say my name like it means “Shut Up”?
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. 