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an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on. 
Direct deposit $1400: me at the dollar tree. Where the $2 stuff at?
Thinking about opening a hamburger joint out in Utah I'll call it "Five Wives"
The best sign of a happy loving relationship between two people on Valentine's Day is no sign of it all on Facebook.
Vegan: Pigs are one of the smartest animals, how can you eat them? Me: 2 out of 3 of them build their houses out of $hit materials...
My wife asked me "What was the last movie you watched that made you cry?" "Our wedding video." was not the right answer.
It's not always the one that got away that troubles me the most, as sometimes it's the one that won't go away.
I stayed up all night trying to remember if I had Amnesia or Insomnia.
trying to find the differences between an Oompa-Loompa and Snooki... gotta be the hair!!!
I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.
"Some people say that one's personality is reflected off of their car... Well, I have no car."
thinks to err is human but to blame it on someone else... now that's supervisor material!
True happiness is getting that load off...your shoulders
I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids.
Thanks to television, I now believe that all janitorial and supply closets in hospitals are being occupied at all times by people having sex.
Oh, I see you're playing hard to get... I'm gonna play walk away.
Had a great massage the other day, but I think I confused my masseuse by asking her for an "ambiguous, european-cinema-style ending."
Do you think many people look at others facebook's and judge them off what they see or what was said, I dont because thatd be pathetic. But if youre out there, hi. :)
he really wants to control the television remotely but is unable to locate the device that fulfills that desire.
Don't you think its time for Life Alert to update their commercials. 