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f I ever invented time travel, I'd probably just keep going back to that time I got 7 chicken nuggets instead of 6. 
Sorry, but if your 8-yr-old has the audacity to tell me what color belt he has in karate, I'm obligated to fight him. This is about honor.
My wife : "What's the big deal with Usain Bolt finishing in under 10 seconds? You do that all the time."
Wooden spoon survivor!
I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Before social media, what did people who desperately crave attention do? Did they have to contribute something of importance to humankind?
I know Fall is getting close because the squirrels are wearing Uggs and demanding pumpkin spice lattes.
They were totally out of coloring books at the adult book store again.
That moment when you want to hit on the bank teller but realize she'll see your bank account balance
I hope the guy who stole my Debit Card enjoys his $12.69 shopping spree.
what are we gonna post after the election.. no material.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like's your idea"
I saw the pictures you posted of your baby at the pumpkin patch and I felt nothing.
Considering a Kickstarter campaign to gather the capital needed to start my line of heavy metal sandwich shops: Pantera Bread.
Thinking about opening a hamburger joint out in Utah I'll call it "Five Wives"
The best sign of a happy loving relationship between two people on Valentine's Day is no sign of it all on Facebook.
Vegan: Pigs are one of the smartest animals, how can you eat them? Me: 2 out of 3 of them build their houses out of $hit materials...
My wife asked me "What was the last movie you watched that made you cry?" "Our wedding video." was not the right answer.
It's not always the one that got away that troubles me the most, as sometimes it's the one that won't go away. 