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Her: "Now, I'm going to go to the bathroom and take off my 1 pound of makeup, high heels, push-up bra, colored contacts and 3/4 of my hair and then we're going to talk about YOU being more honest." 
If there are any elves on my shelves I hope they are dusting.
Shut up. The dress is grey! - Dog
I'm so excited to not hear from you again tomorrow.
How many more selfies until you're dead on the outside too?
Most of my relationships have been long distance on account of all of the restraining orders.
A group of teens is called a whatever
gaining weight while you owe me money.. is see that as a sign of dis-respect
I miss the days when I was smarter than my parents.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
ME: Hi Mom,,, Please come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time, you're not at a sleepover... You're married.
Yesterday I really wanted a burrito. Today I am eating a burrito. Follow your f*cking dreams.
Always be yourself. Except during job interviews, the first few months of a relationship, or any type of social interaction.
My husband told me to pick up some oil, now I know how guys feel in the tampon aisle.
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
If your boyfriend said he couldn't spend time with you on Valentines Day, but took you on a date the day after....it means that you are the side chick.
I'm like Hugh Hefner....minus the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. So basically, I have a robe.
After watching TV with my kids, I think I have figured out what's wrong with this generation....their cartoons suck.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee. 