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Welcome to Facebook, where relationships are perfect, liars believe their own lies & the world shows off they are living a great life. 
If I go on a cruise, I'm sleeping in the lifeboat area
It's hard to make your coffee when you haven't had your coffee.
Be comfortable in your own skin, only serial killers are comfortable in other people's skin.
The most popular costume tonight is "girl that won't talk to me."
To the people who have birthdays this week... your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine's Day!
So much for my plans on surviving the zombie apocalypse on twinkies.
it too much to ask for an attractive hot stalker....I mean, come on, seriously!
Marriage tip: When times get tough, never tell a woman she needs to "sacrifice." Women do not like this term. Always say "prioritize."
The only kind of Candy Crush I do is with my teeth.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
My favorite workout routine is putting my phone in my pocket and taking it out every 30 seconds.
I think my wife is mad at me...... so when she walks by, I do what any man would do in this situation: I PLAY DEAD!!!
Doesn’t matter if she changes her relationship status on Facebook. Until she leaves her toothbrush at your place. She’s not your girlfriend.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Stop the violence. Eat Bacon!
Ladies: When you paint your toe nails, please shave the hair off your big toe. Thanks.
''Awww look my boyfriend left his Facebook open, I'm going to log him off without checking his inbox.'' - Said no woman ever
Life and beer are very similar……..chill for best results.
If I don't get at least one friend deletion on facebook every day, I feel as if I didn't do my job. 