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Whew!!.. just in time ... I got all my Christmas shopping done with one fell swoop... I hope everyone enjoys their Netflicks trial offers :) 
wondering what the weather's like in India. I think i'll call AT&T.
what are the bumps around a womans nipples for?it's braille for "suck here"
accidentally burnt dinner.. probably a good thing I'm dressed like witch for everytime I open the door, smoke from inside the house comes out and the little kids thinks it's cool
If it's your birthday in November, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day.
well, the weather outside's delight-fulllll but my account? it's veeeeeeryyyy frightful!! what happened to all my dough??? I DUNNO, I DUNNO I DUNNOOOOOOH !!
[white house staff meeting] Obama: Any questions?.. *Biden raises hand* Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe... *Biden returns to coloring book*
A Foolish Man tells a Woman to "Shut Da Hell Up", but a Wise Man tells Her That her Mouth is Extremely Beautiful When Her Lips are Closed.
I'm watching this dude walk down the street dressed as a woman, pushing a pitbull in a baby stroller. Either he's on drugs or I am.
After much thought and careful consideration, I have come up with a solution to Afghanistan. Instead of sending 40,000 more troops, let's send 40,000 bears.They will naturally migrate to the caves and eat the terrorists hiding out there.Problem Solved!
once you go black, you go single parent!
When does the rioting start in Memphis? Oh wait black guy killed a white cop. Nevermind
Bin Laden is standing before God waiting to hear his punishment... God gets a tap on the shoulder. There behind him stand 343 firemen, 72 police officers, one K9 officer, 3,000 American citizens & over 5,000 Soldiers, they say."Don't worry God, we got thi
thinking if somebody invented vibrating tampons women would enjoy their period a lot more!!
4 truths of life: 1) You can't touch all of your teeth with your tongue. 2) All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it. 3) The first truth is a lie. 4) You're smiling now cause you are an idiot.
The doctor told me not to lift anything heavy... so I'm going to have to start sitting down when I pee.
People assume I'm smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Twix bar and they recognize my true genius.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
you know you're small when your application to be a porn star in China gets rejected
What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat? A dandy lion! (I'm here all day) 