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I'm creeped out by the Hamburger Helper glove. "Hi, I'm a dismembered hand here to help out with dinner." No thanks. 
When I stop talking and just walk away, it doesn't mean you've won. It means I'm not wasting any more time on your stupid ass.
Falling in love is like falling down when you drunk or high...u dont feel the pain until the magical effect is gone..
It makes no sense to commit yourself in a relationship if you still expect to have single people's privileges.
The "problems" in your life can't be that bad if you can update a facebook status... How bad can life be if you have internet access or a cell phone with a data plan.
where do all the characters go that you type on the keyboard before you realize the cursor isn't in the box?
Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a wife pushing it around.
When life gives you a Grenade, pull the pin and toss it to your EX..
I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
You know why there are no wal-marts in Afghanistan? Cause theres a Target in every corner...
An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.
Dina Lohan said "God has a plan for Lindsay". Dina, God's plan is simpler than that. It's called "porn".
What to tell a girl before a one night stand - "If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.."
My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.
Following someone on Twitter and complaining about what they tweet about is like phoning someone to tell them you don't want to talk to them
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
I just passed a guy doused in Polo cologne. For those of you born after 1989, Polo was a popular cologne then.
Somebody needs to plug an electric guitar into a 100 watt amplifier, and fix this cr@p that's trying to pass itself off as music nowadays.
How about you Harlem shake off a cliff 